I should blog more…

I should blog more, I’m sure it’ll be healthier for me, but right now I’m falling and I’m not sure I want to get up. I haven’t started self harming or anything, I just entered a place of not caring about much. I guess I should either reinstate my appointments with the mental health professionals or make a decision as to whether I want to continue being under their care. Oh of course I probably should be, but, as I said I don’t really care. I see them and I put on my okay/happy face and walk out 15 minutes later, where as in reality its a week between baths, a meal a day or loads of junk food, hallucinations and urges to self harm are pretty regular. But hey I’m okay, and according to my occupational therapist I’ll be ready to work soon and she wants to put me forward for a getting back to work course. So I’m cured obviously. 

And in being cured I shouldn’t need to see them.

But I’m betting they out up an argument.

*head in hands* Oh I just don’t know

 

love and hugs xx

That night…(Trigger)

 

Tongue tied, people say I lied,

So what, I’d had a drink or eight,

I asked you NOT to come over so late

But you said you were depressed, needed to have a hug,

I’m a sucker for a story, give my heart strings a tug,

I felt sorry for you, I knew how it felt

To be so alone, with the cards you’ve been delt,

You came over and had a beer, asked if you could 

Stay the night, I noticed nothing queer, 

Drunkenly I slept, not knowing how the story would

unfold, how a heart I once held so dear,

Could force themselves upon a sleeping soul

A scrap of innocence you stole

Dazed and confused I lay

Not until the light of day 

Could I face the truth and the words you said

‘I knew you wanted it’..’I’ll text you in the morning’

Later words that you wish me dead

As I went to the police hysterically mourning

hysterically laughing, crying, screaming,

silently dying and wishing i was dreaming.

They knew that you had done me wrong,

But the CPS sung a different song,

Not matter how hard they tried to prosecute,

It wasn’t going to go down that route.

You walk now with your head high

As I battle with emotions and cry.

 

 

Ugh…I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop

So

So I decided to give up RPG’s for the sake of my mental health, studying time and other reasons, but giving up has turned in to cutting back as it seems I want to keep my toe dipped in by playing on Saturdays. This is not just because my better half is the GM on Saturdays, it’s because it’s the one game left that I really enjoy. Well what do I play on Saturdays I hear you ask (feigning interest no doubt), I play The Dresden Files RPG, which is based on The Dresden File books by Jim Butcher. It’s a good system and when the group is right a bloody excellent game. That’s all I’m going to say, I don’t want this to turn in to a ‘this is brilliant because’ blog entry. That and I have no idea where I’m going with this at all *laughs*

    So, what else have I been up to? In all honesty nothing, I’ve done no studying in the last week or so, when ever I try something distracts me, I’ve missed all my mental health appointments due to sickness or extreme tiredness but I’m starting  a fresh this week. That’s starting a fresh with everything, the studying, attending appointments, erm, um, well, that’s it really.

Well, there’s other stuff going on in my life but it’s not my place to mention it here so I won’t.

 

love and hugs xx 

Well Then — The Ugly

A long time ago I used to believe that I had BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) today I realise that I’m just not an attractive being. I’m not saying that to get gushing compliments or anything like that, it is just a statement of facts.

  I used to be a slender size 8/10 (US size 4/6) and now thanks to medications I have ballooned up to a size 16 (US size 12). I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is to me. I don’t know maybe some where in my mind jelly something is messed up, but it’s not something that has officially been diagnosed. I have been previously diagnosed with an eating disorder, but the reasons behind it have never been addressed and it has kind of taken the back burner, that’s the eating thing, the damn tablets have me eating at all hours of the day. It doesn’t take the self hatred away. A few weeks back I went through a prolonged period of intense self hatred, to the point I upset my partner, I could not stand to be touched by him in the slightest, every time I was touched ,either by him or myself, I flinched and then either broke down in tears or started clawing at myself. 

The ugly can also encompass my scars. I see them as a marking of my battle but at the same time I fear what other people think of them, I live in long sleeves and trousers, leggings, or my favourite knee/thigh high socks, so everything is covered at all times. 

I say all of this, about my self-hatred, my dislike of my body fat etc etc but please don’t think that I am anti-fat, or feel that all of those over the ‘average’ height/weight shazzle are disgusting, let me say YOU ARE WRONG. I love plus size models, I’m definitely a fan of fat appreciation, all those cliché sayings. I am NOT pro-ana, I’m…I’m going on now trying to get across a point that I’m not quite sure of so I shall leave it here.

love and hugs xx 

Well Then – The Bad

So, we’ve done the good. Now the bad. I’m still on anti-depressants and half the time I can’t tell whether they are helping or not, my Occupational therapist is worried about the amount I’m sleeping and generally not coping with life, but everyone involved in my care seem impressed by the fact I am *trying* to deal with things and that I’m attending my appointments. They don’t know the struggle it is to take my tablets every morning and night and how more often than not I just want to curl up in a ball and wish the world would disappear. But it’s all good because I’m *trying*, so I can go a week without bathing, so every day has at least one fleeting thought of self-harm, so what, i’m trying. I doing the Recovery Star, I’m going to the PTSD specialist, I’m seeing my CPN, I’m *trying*. I am not under any circumstances giving up as much as I want to, because the second you give up is the second they stop helping you and you fall back down in to the pits of hell.

But. I do get sick of trying. So very very sick. I’m 28 years old in 25 days and I’m worse mentally than when I started losing my mind at 13, when the self harm started, when I didn’t realise that wasn’t normal, when I ran away and got raped for the first time *sigh* But that’s the past and this is the now and 25 days away is the future, and maybe one day I’ll be cured, or maybe I won’t.

Love and hugs xx

Well then — The Good

I still have no idea where to start. I guess with the good news, on Valentines day I got engaged to my long suffering partner Chip, I proposed to him and he accepted 😀  We both have rings, personally I was all for just him having a ring, but some people weren’t happy with this. I know it should be about us, but I do worry about how everything is perceived.

So this entry is going to be about the engagement and the ‘fun’ I’m having trying to plan the wedding 😀

So, this wedding stuff, it’s f**king confusing, difficult and expensive. We have a theme. An expensive but fun theme. You see, the wedding is just going to be a small do with close family only, due to the fact that the registry office we want to hold the ceremony in holds only 40 people and we have 60 plus friends and family. So, the theme, well it’s RPG’s, or Role Play Games for those not in the know 😉 This involves us having to buy X amount of dice and miniatures as well as boards to be played on, yes dear reader, we are asking our guests to be players…well those that want to of course. The game? Well here we are a bit stuck, we have no idea what kind of game to play! There are so many choices.

So you may notice I’m spending all my concentration on the reception, the wedding, well, we know it’s going to cost £400 excluding suit hire and buying dress and shoes etc. We’re trying to do as much as possible ourselves, so we’re baking our own wedding cake, or rather making cupcakes instead and then having a top tier to do the cutting the cake shazzle just in case people/family want pictures of this ‘momentous’ moment. But I’m stuck on the dress…I can’t sew so making my own is out of the question, but I want something unique. I have 15/16 months to find something…URGH!!

Oh and the wedding invites are the dungeons and dragons player handbook, well just the cover obviously, not the whole book!

So yeah, wedding stuff, a lot of my posts may be about it!

I’ll be honest…

I totally forgot that I started this blog!  I have so much I should probably say but I have no idea where to start 😦 I can’t even remember what my last post was about…something about starting with the PTSD specialist I think? Well I’m still doing that, it’s kinda why I thought about blogs and stuff and then remembered the link on twitter and w00t here we are 😀

So, yeah, both the PTSD specialist and my CPN believe that I should be keeping a diary so here I am. C (ptsd specialist) gives me tasks to write about, none of which I’ve completed and M (CPN) just wants me to start one so she can see what I’m up to I guess.

I’ll start tomorrow, I PROMISE. Right now I just feel…well I’m not entirely sure, like I said a LOT has been going on.

Love and Hugs xxx

So…

It’s been 2 weeks and i haven’t posted about my experiences with the clinical psychologist. Or PTSD lady as I call her.

The problem is that I’m disassociating during my sessions, well kind of, I’m ‘there’ in the session but the second I leave the room I forgot/block out almost everything that has just happened. This is annoying and has been discussed with her, to the point of immediately after sessions i am now to sit and write what i can remember. She thinks it’s a coping stratedgy that’s gone a bit wrong, instead of only blocking out seriously harmful stuff it’s blocking out anything that results in some kind of emotional response. Hence the trying to write it down. I don’t think it would be found alarming apart from the fact that at the moment we are only discussing my behaviours and not the things that have lead to me behaving that way, that is we’re looking at the symptoms and reactional behaviours than the events that have lead to me be being the way I am.

oh i dunno. Guess, I just thought I should mention that. So if I manage to get anything written on pen and paper this week I’ll try and type it up here. Also I want/feel the need to write more about the rapes and not just the most recent one (see the short story that is an earlier entry) I also feel that to get truely over the most recent i need to look at the day with CASA (Care After Sexual Assault) and how that affected me, that it looking at the one and only time I reported a rape and what happened.

Anyway, I’m repeating myself I think, there’s just too much going around my head tonight.

 

love and hugs to you all xx

It starts

As of next week i am going to be seeing a clinical psychologist once a week.

To discuss my past, present and future.

Expect more frequent updates when this starts…I think.

Life…

Today I’m trying to sort my life out. I’ve signed up for a health and social care course through the open university that starts in Feb, I’ve looked on the job centre plus website for a job, realised I need experience for the kind of job I want, so I’m going to start looking at volunteer work and see if I can do some of that. I’m not panicking too much as I have an appointment on the 26th with people who are meant to help get me back in to work so I’m hoping that they can help with the volunteer stuff, the guy from the job centre said that they could and I kinda trust him. That and I need help writing my CV, I tried to do it earlier today but to no avail, I just have no idea what I’m doing!

So that’s me trying to sort out my ‘working’ life and get off of benefits…Now I just need to work out how to sort out my mental health problems so that I can function in a fitting manner and well, be able to do the aforementioned.

But I don’t know how to do that, not with only my CPN for support, i think I need more than that, I need help with my problems, I admit that. Ugggh.